Is it fun? Duh ..

Lessons from the Edge

One of the things I get asked all the time is, “Why do you do whatever it is that you do?” My answer, “It’s Fun.” Being a business owner, an entrepreneur, a freelancer or a work a day guy is not easy. Work is called work for a reason BUT we spend a majority of our lives at it. Making deadlines, hitting margins and moving your business forward are all better served if you like what you are doing. When you are having fun with what you do, you are more efficient, more pleasant to be around – I know I am –  and generally more successful.

There are bad days and bad moments- sure – but, overall ask yourself – Is what I do fun? Do I like it overall?

If the answer is yes then Congratulations! If the answer is no, then it’s time to start working on a plan for change. There are a lot of free college courses online from some of the best universities now and sites like General Assembly (https://generalassemb.ly/) that can help get you to where you want to go.

Bottom Line: Everyone should be able to answer, “Because it’s Fun.”

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Being a fraud

 

Being a fraud in on mind this morning. I had to slam together a proposal yesterday, no research, no prep.. “just get me some numbers”.. so I did and I am confident that they are representative anyway. But, anytime I expose myself this way I wonder if I will get found out. I know this is a human issue, we all have this. There was a great Ted talk about shame that talks about it and is revelatory. Still every job interview, every time I send out a resume or proposal there is this nagging, “who do you think you are?”. My friend Tim suggests that this is more a gender thing than I think I want to admit. I am reading “Million Dollar Women” and she talks a lot about how women in particular need to get it perfect, know all the facts and have all the credentials before moving forward and men just go for it. The male montra is more “Yah, sure I can do that.” Where women are likely to quantify or be honest when, really, a white lie of “Sure I can make an Excel Spread sheet” in an interview is easily remedied over the weekend with Lynda.com. My theory is, if this is true, that this is why you don’t have a lot of women politicians or Presidential candidates. If there is are jobs out there where you spend most of your time flying by the seat of your pants it would be those!

I was apart of Al-Anon and Aliteen for years growing up. I had a great sponsor at one point who always used to say, “Honor you feelings and then use them for fuel.” Not as hippy as other quotes on this subject than I have read like, “have your feelings and then let them go”. Those might be more appropriate for states of being like mourning, but all those daily feelings of self doubt, self mutilation and reprimand, he said they are apart of you so use them, don’t be used by them. It’s something I like to remember before going into a meeting or interview. Taking those thoughts and using them as puzzles or challenges instead of fate or fact.

The mental conversation goes something like this:

Voice “Your way out of your depth here, you don’t know what your doing.”

Me “Lesser people have done very well, thank you, and if there is something I don’t know I can hire someone or figure it out. I am not walking into brain surgery as a surgeon or running into a burning building.”

This is terrible, BUT, when I was pregnant with A, I was terrified of becoming a parent. My role models are iffy at best, and I spent years, raising myself through therapy etc and I really did  not want to inflict this on this innocent unmolded soul growing inside me. I boarded an A train heading south and there nodded off in the corner seat was an obvious heroine junky, very pregnant. After alerting the train conductor who got her help at the next station, I thought well see.. He won’t have it THAT bad.

On that front I still assert that as long as when he is in therapy, he is talking about different stuff than I was, then I did a good job.  Generational evolution is important.

I think this it for me for now.

Time to walk the dog.

Bye for now and thank you.

PS – I highly recommend Al-Anon and/or Aliteen for those who have had any serious relationship with someone who is an addict of any kind. It is free, totally anonymous and there are meetings all over, all of the time.

Coffee

Coffee – with out it nothing in my day happens.. I stand in the kitchen waiting for it to finish and even then don’t have the patience to wait for the beep, just that tell tale gurgle that tells me that just enough water has made it through that it is now drinkable. Yes, I have tried the timer.. but inevitably I will get out of bed before the scheduled time. Maybe I don’t want to disappoint the coffee maker by asking it to do it’s job all alone. It is a rare moment in my day that I can be rebellious and impatient, pacing, cursing or just passively sighing, waiting.. whatever I want. It’s just between me and the coffee maker.

hqdefaultAnxiety is what usually gets me out of bed in the morning. It seeps up from the depths of my subconscious and disturbs whatever rest or peace I had going. I wonder sometimes if it has just become habit, like a muscle memory and somewhere in my mind an alarm goes off and Anxiety wakes up, stretches and will decide which topic to wear once it gets moving. Seriously, between the hours of 3:30 and 5 I can worry and be anxious about everything from the mildly legitimate; whether A will get in to a good high school, does the new health insurance actually cover anything, to the outlandish; a meteor hitting the earth, never working again and big A leaving us. It seems to me that anxiety just exists inside me, like my stomach or my liver, and when it decides to act up then the mind gives it topics, pictures and themes to justify it. Just like when you have a stomach ache and you start reviewing everything you ate for the past 48 hours. Mind games…

My question has been for a long, long time now – Why is it that the brain/mind ALWAYS defaults to the worst case scenario, the negative or the self reprimanding. Everyone tells me that the key to managing this is meditation.. my friends, all the self help books all say that is the key. I want to know is how we got wired this way in the first place. Why aren’t we hard wired for joy? I would think especially at this moment in our evolution that Joy would be a way better default for the survival of our species than anxiety and fear. Those things are literally killing us inside and out.

As for meditation, and monks … I would be calm and centered too if all my worldly needs were taken care of, I lived on a mountain top and all I had to do all day is sit quietly and breathe. That is not at all what my life looks like.. and I am a bit skeptical that 20 mins of mindful calmness alone is the secret, magic bullet. No doubt it helps and I will try and cram it into all the other – If you only do it for 20mins – things in my day.
Look I am writing two days in a row. It’s a start.

You know what one of my favorite things in the modern world is? No.. you will never guess it. I love that in our computerized, need to know the latest world that the newest items of anything are the first things up. This post is over the last post and so on.. When I was first starting out in film in the mid-80s, yes that’s right, I remember working in the production office and part of my responsibilities was to file all the various documents and forms. The POC at the time who’s face and name have faded away – sorry – was explicit in telling me that the latest had to be filed on top or in front of everything else. The past documents were less important than the ones generated today and the further back you went in time the less important. This was unusual, obviously, given how clear she felt she needed to be and it was. In other offices, I later discovered, files were stored by any number of ways – job number, PO number, some random job security method, dewey decimal etc.. (For the record, anytime I hear “Best Practices” I roll my eyes, ’cause there maybe an industry wide “Best Practices” but in my experience, everyone does shit the way they want to or feel they need to. If your lucky the “Best Practices” are the guide.)

This idea of latest first appeals to me on two levels; practically and philosophically. I am dyslexic, reading is still not easy and as a kid it was torture. A tutor taught me to start at the conclusion of any essay, article or paper and then skim the rest for proof. It was a cheat and a hack, but it got me through a lot of texts more easily and better than if I had to read them straight through. It also gave me a sense of power over the text that I could read it anyway I wanted too.. to this day, I scroll to the end and the work my way back up through the articles. Even books, before committing to reading them, I will read the last paragraph or two to see if it’s worth the hours. Philosophically I like it because, well obviously the past is the past. There is nothing you can do about it, other than learn from it, to look forward is obvious.

Now, I need to look forward to today..

 

The Begining

10433075_10152527244942049_7538247378482333601_nSo this is post one..

When I was a girl I would keep a journal and I would always write, “Dear Journal”. Having someone to write to seemed some how easier, like I was telling my story to someone. Those entries are mostly complaints and frustrations but they were a valuable outlet. I am hoping this will be the same. Whether or not I publish this for the world t read or not os still in debate.. I really want to be doing this for me and wanted a safe place to write about some pretty personal stuff, but it seems anything goes these days.

Naked honesty at least in flavor seems to be all the rage right now. I have to wonder if it is actually though. Most people I don’t think really want to hear that the dress they are wearing, the new hair cut, the new or old lover etc. is not par excellance.. and overwhelmingly approved by the tribe.. so honesty with limits I guess then.

This leads me to the whole political mess right now.. Trump really? How can so many people be so bedazzled by celebrity that what this man says, does and represents is winning in Iowa? Are we all so entranced that the reality of the situation is the dream? All the republicans truly scare me though.. I mean like really scare me. I now have a serious distrust of the balances in the house and congress.. They are delusional and don’t seem to have any connection to reason or reality.. I would say that they have all gone completely mad but I wonder if they were always this way and now they are just allowed to spew their weird at liberty ’cause SM and the Media eat it up.. Sensationalism seems to have taken over rationality. Do we throw away Civil rights, Person privacy, the environment, the middle class, education and all social safety nets because someone can use hyperbole well? I fear for the next four years and I fear for our world in general.

I wonder if as we get older if we notice and take in more of the world around us. Every generation that hits mid-age, do they all feel the same about the world, mad, through out time? Is this just a developmental thing, like when an infant all of a sudden can discern color or a toddler starts noticing busses and trucks everywhere? I remember my dad at about this age was obsessed with talk radio, Rush was a constant sound track, and my mother had the TV news on ALL the time.. I mean the TV was on from 4pm – 11pm with news every weekday.(Thank god they did not live in the same house) They would always say they thought the world had gone mad.. so I wonder if I am just reaching the age when the world is mad and eventually (hopefully) I will get to the place my GG-pa is and not care anymore. Being a healthy 96 year old has it’s definite perks.

It makes me so very sad that we are more concerned with Kardachian asses than even to the good things that are real and happening right NOW. I saw the other day an iPhone cover designed for infants to look at – it is black and white and designed to stimulate them like the mobile over their changing table .. Excuse me? But how about put your F’n phone down and pay attention to this moment, right now, cause I can tell you from experience they turn 13 tomorrow and don’t want you to cuddle anymore…

The trick here is going to be to write as if I am writing to myself and not to an audience. That is what is going to be the most challenging I think. I have been “Social Media” minded now for too long. I would write in a good old fashioned paper diary, but I can’t write as fast as I can type – sad I know.