5:30am

10418388_10152943895882049_2928323422252169225_n5:30am is in that wonderful pocket of time when the city is still sleeping and all is quiet. There is a lightness to the air and you can almost smell dawn coming. I love this time in the morning. It has been described as the lowest hour, when everything is still and quiet. When I was working in film we would often either be just getting to work now or finishing, depending on the time in the week and I always loved the way the city felt at this time. It made the agony of getting up worth it.

Why am I awake now today? Lists … my mind was on a loop of things that need doing, so I decided just to get up. Even our dog, Edi, is still asleep..

Lists and lists, personal and professional, current and future, short term and long term, they like to start presenting themselves usually about 4:30am and like today sometimes I just give up and get up.

When I get like this I try and steer my mind to a gratitude list. That usually helps. It usually goes something like this:

  • I am grateful for my health.
  • I am grateful for my beautiful, smart and funny son.
  • I am grateful for my accepting and loving husband.
  • I am grateful for my goofy and loyal dog.
  • I am grateful for the support and love of my friends.
  • I am grateful for the roof over my head.
  • I am grateful for the food in my fridge and the money in the bank.
  • I am grateful to do what I love to do and get paid for it.

and so on .. like counting sheep sometimes I can even get back to sleep. Not today though.

Work keeps creeping back in. Emails I need to send, conversations I need to have and/or start.. The short of it is I need an assistant. I think I will start looking for one next week.

Asking for help is still not a strong skill of mine. Being a latchkey only child, fending for myself is what I do. It’s what I have always done. To add, when I was a kid and would ask for help, my mother’s response was often,”figure it out, no one likes a helpless person” and from the other side was a resounding “Yes” and then nothing would happen or they would disappear. I would end up figuring it out on my own anyway. It is not the best way to do anything and the more work we get, the more I would like to delegate. The desire is there.. now to find someone, and then, drum roll please, trust them to get it done.

Holding peoples feet to the fire, as it were, to me is crazy. I am not their mother, if they are getting paid to do a job, then DO the job, do it well and on time. I have been burned pretty badly by a couple of people who were supposed to be supporting me and getting shit done, and they totally did not do what they were supposed to. My piece is I should have been more on them and bitchier, but that’s not fun or what I want either. It’s the part of “manager” that sucks and to be honest a little confusing to me.

I am too understanding and supportive as a boss. Sounds good right? It’s actually a problem. Working should be fun. Fun means working with friends. I am learning that actually, being a boss and being a friend can’t necessarily occupy the same space. Knowing this, and knowing I need to be tougher does not help my anxiety around getting more help.

Not to mention more assistants means actually, more work. It’s just different work than the making of the spreadsheet.. It’s managing the making of the spreadsheet and making sure they produce a spreadsheet everyone will understand, including me… sigh.. round and round

Back to my lists –

  • Email Client #1
  • Email Client #2
  • Laundry
  • Grocery Store
  • Get Demo of Project Management Software
  • Social Media Posting
  • Touch base with partner of that other project
  • Track down payments

Bye for now. Thank you

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